UPDATES IN MICHIGAN FAMILY LAW

Right of First Refusal | Does this Work for Parents?

The Illinois Legislature unanimously passed the ‘Right of First Refusal’ on May 22, 2013 (HB2992, 98th Session). This provision will be added as Section 602.3 to the Illinois Marriage and Dissolution of Marriage Act. Governor Pat Quinn is expected to sign this bill, making Illinois the first state to mandate a ‘Right of First Refusal’ in a parenting plan or court order.

Similar legislation is pending in Massachusetts ["Increasing Parental Involvement with Childcare" HB1343]. Indiana and Utah also have legislation which provides for consideration of this type of parenting opportunity, but does not mandate it.

Michigan Medical Marijuana Act | Driving Under the Influence

Finally, the decision many family lawyers and criminal lawyers have awaited has been released by the Michigan Supreme Court. The question raised was whether a driver can be arrested for driving while under the influence when the driver has a medical marijuana registry card.

The holding:    Those who have a valid MMMA registry card cannot be prosecuted for having some THC in their system under MCL 257.625(8) – the zero-tolerance statute - because the MMMA provisions control; but they can be prosecuted under the MMMA if it can be shown that they were “under the influence”.

In Koon, the defendant was charged in the 86th District Court with operating a motor vehicle under the influence of THC. When stopped by the police, Koon told the officer that he had a medical marijuana registry card and admitted that he had smoked marijuana five to six hours earlier. THC was found in his bloodstream.

Comments of Judge Paul Garfinkel Prior to a Custody Trial

  Judge Paul Garfinkel of the 9th Judicial Circuit Family Court, Charleston County, SC, allowed me to share the following comments he made prior to a recent custody trial.  As a family law practitioner for over 20 years, I find these words extremely insightful and wise.

  COMMENTS FROM THE HONORABLE PAUL GARFINKEL PRIOR TO A  CUSTODY TRIAL

     "I want to make a few comments to you about how  important it is to your family to resolve this case.  I know that both   of you sit here today; each of you are convinced of the merit of your  own case and the righteousness of your own position. However, asking  your attorney to convert your convictions and beliefs into evidence  that will result in a verdict in your favor is asking for what I believe the most difficult task that a trial attorney can be required  to do.

Jurisdiction to Enter Child Custody Order | Prior Order in Another County

A recent discussion among Michigan lawyers raised the question whether a parent who was subject to the jurisdiction of an adjoining county in an earlier filed child support case could lawfully file a divorce case in an adjoining county. Oddly enough, the Michigan Court of Appeals decided a case just days later holding that, yes, the divorce could be filed in another county. The case is Dixon v Dixon, Docket No. 308253, decided March 21, 2013 (Unpublshed)

In Dixon, an Oakland County, Michigan trial court entered a child custody and parenting time order in a child support case in 2008. Subsequently, the parties married in 2009. Fast forward a few years. Husband filed for divorce in Wayne County, Michigan. Wife argued that the Wayne County trial court did not have jurisdiction to enter its custody order in this case because a custody order existed in Oakland County entered in the 2008 child support case. The court of appeals disagreed, stating

New Concerns About Privacy on Facebook

Is there a family lawyer out there who hasn't had a client clobbered at trial by a printout from a Facebook page? Facebook postings can be the family lawyer's nightmare and the divorce or custody client's downfall.

A recent article in the New York Times explores new privacy concerns for Facebook users. It's not enough to "un-friend" someone so that he or she cannot access the client's Facebook.  New technology can allow friends, enemies and strangers to access information on a Facebook page.

According to Sengupta: “One of Facebook’s cleverest heists is the word ‘friend.’ It makes you think all your Facebook contacts are really your ‘friends.’ They may not be."

Christmas and High Conflict Divorces | Putting the Children First

Bud Dale, Ph.D., J.D., of Topeka, Kansas shared a wonderful true story about high conflict divorce and Christmas on the American Bar Association's Family Law Listserv. I asked for permission to share this story with my readers last year. Dale's message bears repeating this year. It is my hope that family lawyers reading my blog will send this on to some of their clients and that parents reading it will benefit and will share with friends who may be in a similar situation. Bud's story involves Janey, a mother in a high conflict divorce, who attended a parent education class for high conflict families. Bud wrote:

"Janey attended as a result of a court order.  Despite the court order, her ex-spouse did not attend.  Janey stubbornly sat through the first 2 of 6 3-hour classes, before becoming engaged in what we (my colleague and I) were teaching.  She listened intently for the remaining sessions. She asked to come back to speak to the next class and has done so for each group of parents for almost 2+ years. To each group of parents, Janey tells the following story about Christmas:  

"Her three children brought her a gift and excitedly watched as she unwrapped it on Christmas morning.  Her children knew how much she loved her children and gave her a collage of pictures of themselves.  In each picture, the children were happily celebrating things and playing.  After Janey unwrapped it, she quickly placed it behind the couch, noting to her children that she did not want it to get broken amongst all of the other excitement.  She had immediately recognized her children and their joy in the pictures, but she did not recognize any of the events.  She did not recognize the birthday cake, the pile of leaves, or the place the children were sledding.  She instantly felt great sorrow at having missed so many joyous occasions with her children. 
 
"Janey tells that she went to view the picture again that night after the children had gone to bed.  The children's father was not in any of the pictures.  He was the photographer.  After a good, long cry, Janey talks of realizing that the children, who were almost always happy while with her, could also be happy while with their dad.  She found a prominent place to hang the photographs in her home - because it was the children's home and she sometimes needed the reminder that she could help the children be happy and their father could too. 
 
"At the end of each class, other parents comment about the difference it makes to hear from someone like Janey ... "

Bud also said:

"Janey is a real person really named Janey.  She is such a powerful force in our parent education group that I checked with her before sharing.  Linda Elrod of Washburn University School of Law and I sponsor a two-day workshop every year where we focus on how to help families in conflict in Kansas.  Janey presented at that workshop in 2010 and told this story - and many others. I get to hear them three times a year at our educational group.  She acknowledges that things aren't perfect, but her stories reflect a level of personal courage and credibility that I cannot match!  If I could, I'd make her stories go viral!  Isn't it good to hear when someone overcomes obstacles!  Gives me more hope, especially for the children."

I agree with Bud. I'd like to see this story make it around the globe and back again--several times. Do please feel free to send a link to this blog article as a holiday newsletter to your custody/divorce clients, or if you know a parent in a high-conflict situation . . . please send him or her a link to the article. 

An earlier post, How Divorced Parents can Help Children Survive the Holidays, may be read here.

Have a safe and sane holiday. Jeanne

How Divorced Parents can Help Children Survive the Holidays

It's time to run that Christmas post again. For those who may be new readers of this Blog, here are suggestions about how to make Christmas better for children. At the end is a link to Donna Ferber's Blog in which she suggests gifts that may help children through the divorce process.

Many children of divorce feel caught in the middle of their parent’s battles during the holiday season. Holidays should be a time for kids to experience the love, joy and magic. Instead, many children are confused, frustrated, sad and angry.

The stress divorce causes children during the holidays: The holiday season may be more difficult than usual for children of divorced or separated families. The excess chaos may cause children to feel anxious. Children may feel caught in the middle if their parents fight about who spends what time where. They may feel resentful when they must leave friends and family to stay with a non-custodial parent.

Being shuttled back and forth between houses may cause children to feel overwhelmed and exhausted. Children may wish they could "split themselves in half" so they can satisfy each parent.

Memories of holidays when the family was still together may make children sad. While spending time with one parent, a child may miss the other. Children may feel guilty at leaving the other parent alone on a holiday.

How divorced parents can help children survive the holidays

There are many things that both parents can do to make the holidays more enjoyable for their children and themselves.

• Have a set schedule, preferably one that is negotiated by the parents and put in the parenting time order or, if the parents cannot agree, one that is set by family court. Usually, parents should alternate holidays each year. That way, the child is not burdened by having to decide where he would like to spend his time and also minimize arguing between parents.
• If both parents live close to each other, there’s no reason why the child cannot enjoy the holiday with each parent. A good way to do that is to have the exchange at noon on Christmas Day. The child has “wake up and see what Santa brought” with one parent, and has a later Christmas with the other. In even-numbered years Mom might have the child from Christmas Eve through the morning of Christmas Day, with Dad picking the child up at noon. In odd-numbered years, that schedule would reverse.
• Parents should tell the child what the schedule is in advance so that he knows what to expect. Children whose parents are divorcing feel a lack of control. They feel as though they have no voice in whether or not their family stays together. Giving your child some control over how he spends his holiday time with you lessens the stress of feeling out of control. This can be especially important for older children. The time scheduled for the child with the non-custodial parent might be a time when they would rather be hanging out with friends. Parents should consider giving their child the option of bringing a friend along. In the alternative, parents might plan activities with friends
  during their holiday parenting time.
• Parents should focus on keeping the time together simple to avoid overwhelming the child.
  Allowing your child to have an active role in planning any holiday activities will alleviate some of those out of control feelings your child may have.
• Parents should be open to the child’s sadness or frustration and allow the child to vent. Let your child know that he is safe expressing his feelings, especially any sad or negative feelings.
• Let you child know that you understand and that his feelings are normal.
• It’s important to remain emotionally available and willingness to listen. Acknowledge and validate your child’s feelings to relieve a great amount of the sadness your child may be feeling.
• Encourage the child to embrace his expanded and/or extended family and the fact that he gets to celebrate the holidays twice.
• Neither parent should over-indulge the child with too many presents or candy; this is not healthy for
  anyone.
• Parents should not compete with each other over who gets the child a "better gift." If parents
  are able to communicate, they should plan gift-giving together to ensure even-handedness.
• Even though holidays are stressful, parents should put aside their differences and should not argue with each other in front of the child.

• Parents can share holiday traditions and lore to teach the child what the holiday is truly about. This
  will help the child to appreciate the experience. This may involve making new holiday traditions.
• Parents might plan fun outings during the holiday season. Some families center their traditions around gift-opening on Christmas Eve rather than Christmas Day. That makes sharing the
  holidays even easier.
• Parents should consider making new traditions such as caroling, ice skating, or catching a new movie in between the holidays to minimize the importance of a single big celebration.

• Parents should acknowledge that most children want and need contact with both of their parents. This is especially true during the holidays.
• Parents should allow the child to have phone or email contact with the other parent, especially on the holiday itself.

• Parents should focus on loving and celebrating the child during these special times.

Whatever parents do during the holidays, they should keep foremost in their minds that holidays are meant to be magical for children. They should be attuned to their child’s emotions during this sensitive time. The holidays are a good time for parents embroiled in separation disagreements to find a common ground, to put aside their differences, and allow their child to enjoy the magic of the season. Showing your child compassion for the sadness he is experiencing and teaching him coping strategies will not only help him through this first, post divorce holiday season but also long after the holidays pass.

See also: Holiday Gifts for Children of Recently Divorced Parents, blog post by Donna Ferber. Many of her suggestions are quite appropriate for children who are still caught up on the pre-decree stage, which can be very, very stressful. Donna says:

"When a couple goes through a divorce, they become the easiest people on your shopping list to buy for! When buying a gift for children of divorce, their unique needs may not be as clear as those of their parents. Certainly, they have adjustments of their own to make such as dealing with change and loss, acclimating to living in two homes and adjusting to visitation schedules. With a little forethought, you can give a gift that is fun and also supports the child’s transition to their new lifestyle." [Read more here.]

Looking for a Michigan Family Lawyer near you? Try this Directory.

Grandparenting Time: Burden of Proof Challenged in Gleicher's Concurring Opinion

An unpublished decision from the Michigan Court of Appeals ("COA") [Hollis v Miller, Docket No.  306090, decided November 8, 2012] demonstrates the difficulties a grandparent faces in a grandparent visitation action once a parent cuts off contact with the child. In Hollis, the defendant-father and plaintiff's daughter, parents of the child at issue, were never married. The father has had sole legal and physical custody of the child since the child was about two years old. A no-contact order prevents the mother (grandmother's daughter) from seeing the child. However, until late 2009 or early 2010, the mother's family, including the plaintiff grandmother had had subtantial contact with the child. Then the father began denying plaintiff visitation.

Michigan’s grandparenting-time statute, MCL 722.27b, creates a presumption that a fit parent’s decision to deny grandparenting time “does not, in and of itself, create a substantial risk of harm.”

Rights of a Biological Parent vs a Third Party Custodian | Re Dux

A compelling question often arises when a biological parent dies and the other parent, having established parentage, but not having an established custodial environment with the minor child(ren), seeks primary custody. This arises most often in the context of the child or children having primarily lived with the mother and/or maternal grandparents. In Frowner v Smith, the Michigan Court of Appeals has given a fresh look at what this scenario looks like in the context of the holdings in Heltzel v Heltzel and Hunter v Hunter.

On April 26, 2012, the Court of Appeals (COA) released an opinion for publication in Frowner v Smith. In the Frowner case, after the mother died, the father--an acknowledged father--sought custody from the maternal grandparents. The seminal issue was whether a biological parent has to satisfy the Vodvarka threshold--i.e., to show a major change in circumstances or good cause--to change custody from a third party custodian after the death of the other biological parent.

The Mother Who Cried Wolf | Unsubstantiated Allegations of Abuse

The Michigan Court of Appeals ordered a mother to pay over $25,000 in attorney fees and costs in a contentious post-judgment child custody and parenting time case. Parents who think they can just willy-nilly waltz into court and/or who use and abuse child protective laws in an attempt to restrict access to children should think again. I've seen lots of abusive litigation before, but this one is really quite amazing.

The case involved Sean O’Farrell [“Father”] and Kelly O’Farrell [“Mother”]. They were divorced in December 2008. The judgment of divorce provided that Father and Mother would have joint legal custody of their minor child, who was two years old at the time. The judgment of divorce granted Mother physical custody of the child until further order of the court and ordered an extensive, detailed parenting-time schedule. The fact that the PT schedule was extensive and detailed indicates that Father’s lawyer perceived the need for this—that there was already contention. No doubt! Mother filed a motion in later March 2009—about four (4) months after the ink was dry on the judgment of divorce. She sought to suspend or to restrict Father’s parenting time.

Father responded to the motion and also filed a motion for a change of custody. There were thirteen hearings over a period of nearly two years. At the conclusion of the final hearing, the Court declined to restrict the father’s parenting time and, in fact, increased it.

In addition, the judge indicated that he was very close to finding the proofs sufficient to grant Father’s petition for a change in custody. The trial court ordered that Mother pay Father’s attorney $20,912 in fees and $3,555.86 in costs and reimburse Father’s $738 cost to the Guardian Ad Litem (GAL). The Court of Appeals affirmed.

Understanding Sensory Overload - Autism and Related Syndromes

An NPR article on November 15, 2012 offers information and resources to help parents and child custody lawyers assisting parents understand exactly how children affected by autism and related syndromes process (or fail to process) information and the world around them. First the author describes "normal:"

You walk into a room. There are people there, cars outside, dogs, phones ring, the radio is on, somebody coughs; it's the pleasant blur of a busy world, until something, someone catches your attention. Then you lean in, the other sounds fade back, and you focus. That's how listening works — for most of us.

Then the author shows in a most effective manner, how an autistic child might process what is happening in that room differently, and experiencing sensory overload, feel "mugged by sound." This condition is very familiar to people with Asperger's syndrome as well.

Children of Divorce | How Can Parents Better Nurture Them to Succeed?

Teachers tell me that Fridays and Mondays are often tough days for kids. Why? Many children have to transition from one parent to the other on Friday. The weekends may be stressful because of differences between the parenting styles of each parent regarding such things as scheduling,  discipline, meals, bedtimes. Children may come back to school on Monday tired, cranky, stressed. The reasons could be one or more of the above--or something else altogether. Research shows that only 64% of children live in households where there are two parents.Trends are changing and the makeup of a family unit is not always the Ozzie & Harriet style family. Download PEW-social-trends-2010-families

Divorce usually has a negative financial effect on families. A huge percentage of single mothers and their children live below the poverty level. There are so many social factors in addition to poverty, however, that affect whether children succeed in life or fail. A parent must be truly committed to raising healthy kids to do the job right.

Paul Tough’s important new book, “How Children Succeed,” recently reviewed on this Blog, is discussed by Nicholas D. Kristof in "Cuddle Your Kid!," as seen in last Saturday's New York Times. Kristof writes:

How Children Succeed. A Resource for Parents in High-Conflict Cases

Family lawyers encounter more high-conflict divorce and custody cases now than ever before. Today I found a resource for parents to help them raise more secure, self-confident children. Feel free to share this with your clients, friends, and others who are parenting children, no matter what the ages of the children.

Paul Tough argues that how young people build character is key to their opportunities to succeed. It isn't how well children do on IQ scores, standardized tests or vocabulary quizzes that determines whether they will make it or not, he says. Tough explores this idea in his new book, How Children Succeed: Grit, Curiosity and the Hidden Power of Character.

Tough begins with attachment theory. He says: "when kids are really young--when they are in their first year or two of life--my sense from the research is that you can't be too loving."

Just Wait Until Your Mother Gets Home!

That dreaded threat: "Just wait until your dad gets home" is different in many American households today, as recognized by a cover on the New Yorker Magazine May 12, 2012, [See left, click on link to access archives of the New Yorker] The statistics are really interesting.

According to Alex Williams, writing for the New York Times, in the last decade the number of men who have left the work force entirely to raise children has more than doubled, to 176,000. His information source is recent United States census data. Williams says that when one includes men who maintain freelance or part-time jobs but serve as the primary caretaker of children under 15 while their wife works, there are around 626,000 acting as the primary caretakers of children. You can access the Census reports here.

Just Wait Until Your Mother Gets Home, Aug. 10, 2012, New York Times, by Alex Williams may be read here.

Unsubstantiated CPS Reports Lead to Change in Custody

The court of appeals released an opinion on July 17, 2012 affirming the trial court's decision to award sole legal and sole physical custody to the father and to suspend the parenting time of the mother until further order of the court where the mother had made numerous unsubstantiated CPS reports alleging sexual abuse of the children.

Unsubstantiated allegations were made to CPS in 2009. It was recommended that defendant mother’s parenting time be suspended until further order and until after she engaged in counseling to address her suspected Munchausen syndrome by proxy.

In September 2010, the father moved for a change in custody based largely on the continued and unsubstantiated allegations of sexual abuse. Following four days of hearings on custody, the hearing referee issued a report and recommendation finding that plaintiff should be granted sole legal and sole physical custody of both minor children.

Courts Should Not be Required to Micromanage Custody Issues

An unpublished decision released by the Michigan Court of Appeals on July 3, 2012 reveals how some parents expect family courts to micromanage their custody and parenting time issues. This case has parallels with other cases I've had in my office and clearly illustrates the type of extensive and painful post-judgment actions parents may take--legal actions that have the potential to alienate or otherwise harm the children. Why should parents expect the courts to micromanage their post-judgment legal issues in regard to parenting time and custody in the absence of Vodvarka standards? In the end, Dad was award expanded parenting time. One can only conclude it was because of Mom's contrary behavior.

Contempt proceedings? Oh yes. BF was, per an agreed order, to move from the mother's residence. Now how effective was that when his move was to a camper in the back yard and he was still present in the home at breakfast and while and after the children went to bed? [Been there, seen that . . . a 100-foot electrical cord from the mother's house to a camper in the driveway . . . when that man had a no-contact order so that he was prevented from being in the presence of the children.]

Read it here: Klaas v Klass

Third Party Custody Claims - Sometimes the Non-Parent Wins

While it is not clear from the Court of Appeals' Opinion why the children were not in the custody of their mother, what is clear is that several children were living with their aunt who was, at the time of the custody trial, the guardian for the children. It is not clear where their mother was, but she was obviously not available to care for the children.

Their father sought custody. Thus, this case presents a third party with an established custodial environment with the children seeking custody and the biological father as to whom, under Hunter v Hunter, the parental preference applies. The third party, thus, had the burden of proof by clear and convincing evidence to prove that it was in the best interests of the children to remain with her rather than to live with their father.

Pre-birth DNA Testing? It's a Reality

Following up on my most recent post about sweeping legislation that will open up the door for many Michigan biological fathers to establish their paternity with respect to children born or conceived during a marriage, this article from the New York Times caught my attention today.

In Before Birth, Dad’s ID, reporter Andrew Pollack writes:

"It is an uncomfortable question that, in today’s world, is often asked by expectant mothers who had more than one male partner at the time they became pregnant. Who is the father?"

Sweeping New Changes to Parentage Laws in Michigan

Legislation inspired by a Livingston County man’s story was signed into law Tuesday by Governor Snyder. Public Act 159 of 2012 gives biological fathers more rights to establish parentage when a child is conceived or born during a marriage. It may remedy some biological father's plights--for example, those of Daniel Quinn of Hartland Township who says he has been prevented him from seeing his daughter for the past four years. The new Act is titled "the Revocation of Paternity Act." It permits a biological father to establish paternity of a child born or conceived during a marriage provided certain specific circumstances exist. In fact, although generally, it only allows paternity to be established if it is done during the first three years of a child's life, there is a savings clause that would permit the filing of an action if it is done within one year of the enactment of the legislation--in other words, not later than June 12, 2013.

Revisions to UCCJEA and Uniform Deployed Parents Custody and Visitation Act Proposed

Thanks to Ron Nelson, Esq. of Lenexa, Kansas for this information. Ron is well-known as an expert in the UCCJEA as well as a terrific family lawyer. Significant changes are proposed by the Uniform Laws Commission. The Annual Meeting Drafts of proposed updated/new uniform laws are now online at: http://t.co/fLEI4WZ4

Included are the Revisions to the Uniform Child Custody Jurisdiction and Enforcement Act for Implementation of the Hague Convention on Protection of Children (Jurisdiction), which is up for its "first read" and on the Uniform Deployed Parents Custody and Visitation Act, which is up for final consideration.

Servicemember Family Protection Act | Opposed by ABA

Thank you, Ron Nelson, for alerting family lawyers about the progress in Congress with respect to the proposed federal legislation "Servicemember Family 'Protection' Act," H.R. 4201. According to Mr. Nelson, the U.S. House last night passed H.R. 4201, the Servicemember Family Protection Act by a 390–2 vote. You may track that legislation at this link.

http://www.govtrack.us/congress/bills/112/hr4201

The American Bar Association opposes this bill. Mark Sullivan and Trish Apy are the ABA members who assembled the materials for the ABA Family Law Section and testified before Congress against the bill. Their White Paper opposing the legislation may be read here. It is a must read.

The bill now proceeds to the Senate side.

Hat tip to Ronald W. Nelson

Sex Offender Registry and Termination of Parental Rights | New Statute

Today's guest author is Judge David A. Hoort, Family Court Judge in the 8th Judicial Circuit Court in Ionia County, Michigan. Judge Hoort writes about his concerns with a new statute affecting termination of parental rights that became effective a few days ago.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Along with murder, voluntary manslaughter and felonious assault that results in serious bodily injury of another child, MCL 712A.19a(2)(d), as amended, effective May 1, 2012, now provides that if a parent is required to register under the sex offenders registration act, the department of human services is not required to make reasonable efforts to reunify the child with the parent. 

Critics argue that this will allow the family court to terminate a parent's parental rights to a child for no other reason than a parent being required to register under the Sex Offenders Registration Act (SORA).  (Past law required that there be some showing of ‘unfitness’ before parental rights can be terminated.)  Advocates counter that judges retain discretion to order DHS to make reasonable efforts to reunify the child with the parent, and the legislation was needed to receive federal funding. 

Permission to Travel Letters | International Travel with Minor Children

Thinking about traveling during your child's next school vacation period across international borders? Be prepared. Not only will you need your child's passport, if you are traveling without your child's other legal parent, you'll need a Permission to Travel Letter.  Download Permission toTravelConsentLetter

A child departing from the United States and other countries, traveling with only one parent, a guardian, grandparents or other adults must have a written and notarize Permission to Travel Letter from both legal parents or legal guardians to enter many countries. In fact, if the child is on a cruise ship, the child will need such a letter to participate in shore excursions. Download Permission toTravelConsentLetter

Minors traveling in groups:  Sometimes, minors under 18 leave the United States with school groups, teen tours, or friends on a vacation. Minors traveling with sports teams and academic study programs must have a similar Minor Consent to Travel form.

Military Deployment or Divorce & Child Custody

I often represent service members who have family law issues. I'm sure no one will disagree, though, that SMs don't usually have the financial resources for expensive divorce litigation. If the issues are not complex (for example, do not involve child custody or parenting time, or do not involve a claim regarding any rights to retirement benefits because the marriage is very short and it's easier in the long run to offset a retirement claim against another asset), there are times when SMs can help themselves. It's not something I recommend that an SM do, however, without first taking a careful look at the issues and perhaps scheduling an appointment with an experienced family law attorney.

More Resources for Parents in High-Conflict Divorce & Custody Matters

More resources for parents going through high-conflict divorce or post-divorce child custody may be found here.

Personality Traits of Parents And Developmental Needs of Children in High-Conflict Families, by Philip M. Stahl, Ph.D., may be read here http://www.parentingafterdivorce.com/articles/highconflict.html

And see "Help! I'm Divorcing a Narcissist," by Karyl McBride, Ph.D., in Pyschology Today, February 7, 2011

Oregon Enacts Law | Fines for Making False Report of Child Abuse

Here's a great idea! After seeing three false reports of child abuse within three weeks in the middle of high-conflict divorce and custody cases . . . I hear that Oregon has finally come up with a solution.

The Oregon Legislature has passed legislation making malicious filing of false reports of child abuse in the midst of divorce, custody fight, or other domestic conflict a Class A violation carrying a $750 fine.

These false allegations can not only make the family law case much more difficult and lead to terrible injustice, they can ruin parent-child relationships and change lives forever. I find myself hoping more states will enact such laws and wondering whether the law will make a difference. Here's the Oregon statute:

Parallel Parenting: When You and Your Ex Can’t Play Nice

Donna Ferber, Framingham, CT psychotherapist, is today's guest author. This article emphasizes how  mothers and fathers in high-conflict divorce situations can minimize some of that conflict for the sake of their children's well-being.

The continued post- divorce acrimony that plays out in the arena of parenting is the probably the most aggravating and stressful part of divorce for all involved. Parents struggle with a sense of wanting to make this transition easy for their children but when left over marital issues continue to play out in the co parenting arena, the adults often throw up their hands in frustration. The continued conflict is worrisome as it is the fighting, not marital status, that hurts the kids.

High-conflict Divorce & Co-Parenting Issues

High-conflict divorce exposes both parents and also their children to a lot of stress. Little ones who were already potty-trained may suffer lapses. Youngsters can be clingy, whiny and may go back to thumb-sucking or insist upon having a bottle for comfort. Kids who were previously OK sleeping alone may seek comfort in Mommy's bed or Daddy's bed at night. Kids in school can suffer a loss in performance. Anybody who has been through it or watched another go through it knows that conflict and stress can negatively affect everybody. What is a parent to do to help kids through this stress?

Sometimes parents feel like they will never be able to talk to the other parent again, and often a “no contact rule” seems like the only answer. But if parents aren't communicating about the kids--health issues, school issues, scheduling arrangements such as extra-curricular activities or doctor appointments--then no effective co-parenting is going to happen.

The Uncooperative Co-Parent

Today's guest author is Donna Ferber, an award-winning writer and psychotherapist from Farmington, CT.

When going through a divorce, keeping your children’s well-being in the forefront of your mind is critical. Whether the children ultimately have an experience that is traumatic or manageable is a direct result of how well their parents’ behave. Some parents even stay together “for the sake of their children” but their behavior is so appalling that the kids beg their parents to split up. Whether you stay together or not, your children learn from and emulate your behavior. You are role models for healthy relationships.

How Narcissists/Batterers Abuse Children During Divorce

A client sent me a link to this article about abuse of children during divorce proceedings by a narcissistic parent. Here's a preview:

The emotional abuse by a narcissist is pervasive and insidious. It impacts not only the narcissist’s spouse but his or her children as well. Once divorce proceedings begin, the narcissist’s abuse will likely escalate. Narcissists will use any means possible to gain control of the situation or to make themselves look better. Children become perfect pawns for narcissistic parents to use against their spouses. Identifying how narcissistic parents abuse their children is the first step to devising strategies to minimize abuse and help children cope.  Read more here on Parenting News Network.com

Military Divorce: Returning Warriors and “The Home Front”

Today's guest author is Mark E. Sullivan, a retired Army Reserve JAG colonel. Mark practices family law in Raleigh, NC and is the author of THE MILITARY DIVORCE HANDBOOK (Am. Bar Assn., 2nd Ed. 2011), from which portions of this article are adapted. See his contact information below.

1. RETURN OF THE WARRIORS

Empty outposts overseas mean full billets and bedrooms back at home.  In view of the “new phase of relations” between the U.S. and Iraq, using Vice-President Joe Biden’s language, many servicemembers (SMs) are returning home.  The redeployment of military personnel back to their stateside assignments and their homes is the result of significant drawdowns in Iraq and Afghanistan.  SMs who are returning from the Middle East are not only from the active-duty forces (Army, Navy, Air Force and Marines); they are also from the Reserve Component, namely, the National Guard and the Reserves.  Thus the homecoming impact will be felt nationwide, not just in communities near military bases.  While reuniting with one’s family will be a joyous experience for SMs, it may create significant stresses for some.  And these stresses may lead to legal consequences.

Co-parenting in a High-conflict Divorce

ZEN-"Harmony" Restore Harmony. Create PEACE in all situations.  Rather than pushing the river, FLOW with it.

 This post is a follow-up to Christmas and High Conflict Divorces | Putting the Children First, published in December 2011. Sheri Keller, Domestic Supervisor of court-sponsored classes for parenting in the family court in Topeka, Kansas wrote to tell me more about the Horizons class she teaches with psychologist Bud Dale for parents going through a high-conflict divorce. Sheri wrote:

"Janey is a remarkable woman.  She returns to class every session to share her strengths and growths since attending our class.  She called me out of the blue about a year after attending our program and said she thought she was at a point that she would like to come back to class and share her experience with others.  While attending our class she has also in college at Washburn University.  She wrote a paper called 'irreconcilable differences,'  the term used in divorce decrees in 'no-fault' divorces.  She talked about the powerful words and what it meant for her kids and her as she looked to her future.  How can 'differences' be so irreconcilable that they change your course in life.  She got an A and shared the paper with Bud and I.  Right after that she started speaking to the other parents in our class.

Facebook | Divorce & Total Recall

Well, Jane Smith, filing for divorce and asking for primary custody—you think you can avoid some of the stupid things you posted on Facebook a year ago? You think it might never see the light of day—those comments about how drunk you got—where you were, with whom, doing what? Guess again! And think about how Facebook will supplement your resume’ as you begin job-hunting. [See this blog article on Lexis-Nexis' use of Facebook in making decisions about whom to hire.]

Last Thursday (December 8, 2011), Facebook began updating Facebook accounts with a new and revamped profile feature called Timeline. Timeline allows a person with access to the account to see a user’s entire history of photos, links and other things shared on Facebook accessible with a single click. 800 million members of Facebook are about to see just how many digital fingerprints they have been leaving on the site — and on the Internet in general. This will make it more difficult to erase past identities, past comments, past bad behavior memorialized in a moment of sheer stupidity.

Christmas and High Conflict Divorces | Putting the Children First

Bud Dale, Ph.D., J.D., of Topeka, Kansas shared a wonderful true story about high conflict divorce and Christmas on the American Bar Association's Family Law Listserv. I asked for permission to share this story with my readers. It is my hope that family lawyers reading my blog will send this on to some of their clients and that parents reading it will benefit and will share with friends who may be in a similar situation. Bud's story involves Janey, a mother in a high conflict divorce, who attended a parent education class for high conflict families. Bud wrote:

"Janey attended as a result of a court order.  Despite the court order, her ex-spouse did not attend.  Janey stubbornly sat through the first 2 of 6 3-hour classes, before becoming engaged in what we (my colleague and I) were teaching.  She listened intently for the remaining sessions. She asked to come back to speak to the next class and has done so for each group of parents for almost 2+ years. To each group of parents, Janey tells the following story about Christmas:  

How Divorced Parents can Help Children Survive the Holidays

It's time to run that Christmas post again. For those who may be new readers of this Blog, here are suggestions about how to make Christmas better for children. At the end is a link to Donna Ferber's Blog in which she suggests gifts that may help children through the divorce process.

Many children of divorce feel caught in the middle of their parent’s battles during the holiday season. Holidays should be a time for kids to experience the love, joy and magic. Instead, many children are confused, frustrated, sad and angry.

The stress divorce causes children during the holidays: The holiday season may be more difficult than usual for children of divorced or separated families. The excess chaos may cause children to feel anxious. Children may feel caught in the middle if their parents fight about who spends what time where. They may feel resentful when they must leave friends and family to stay with a non-custodial parent.

Divorce, Child Custody & World of Warcraft

A timely discussion among colleagues leads to a new understanding of what World of Warcraft is and why and how it may impact a divorce and child custody case. Attorney Shawn Hunter of Orlando, Florida asked whether the family lawyers in our ABA discussion group had ever been successful in obtaining by subpoena World of Warcraft records. Another lawyer asked why this might be important. I was very interested in the response because I have a child custody case in which obtaining the records will be very important.

Shawn responded:

"Dad says 'I was an attentive, involved parent.  I should have the child most of the time or, at least, 50% to continue in that role as super-dad.

"Mom says 'All you did was play WoW all the time, from the moment you got home until the a.m.  I have been a WoW widow for the last X years. I fed the child, bathed the child, got the child up in the morning, put the child to bed at night, etc.  Why would your care-giving improve now?

"Judge is not wowed by the he said/she said. But WoW records agree with Mom's version of events."

Deployments | May Service Member Leave Children with Step-parent?

        I've had several cases this year involving deployed parents who have sought to maintain family continuity for their children during deployments. Spiteful ex-spouses in each case have sought to limit contact between the children and their step-parent and/or the children and the service member's parents.

        Frequently, the inability to be with a step-parent or grandparent will deprive the children of contact with the deployed parent through Skype or even telephone. My patience wears thin when I see mean-spirited parents (usually mothers) refuse to permit the children to keep building memories of the absent parent. In 2007, however, a Colorado appellate court held that a deployed parent had the right to leave the children with his new spouse during his deployment.  According to the court, this isn't much different from a custodial parent leaving the children with a daycare provider, a friend, etc. So long as both parents are fit, the court ruled, each can make day-to-day decisions during his or her allotted parenting time. Wouldn't it be great if other service members in other states could get similar relief from their family courts!

Relocations | Comparing Schools is Part of the Task

Family courts are inundated with requests for relocations just before the beginning of the school year. According to the Detroit Free Press, Michigan's Department of Education just released its mandated report "2011 Public School Ranking Top to Bottom" for Michigan schools. These rankings may be useful for parents and family lawyers dealing with relocation motions.

The state released the latest round of top-to-bottom school rankings     today for Michigan schools. This is the second year the state has created statewide rankings and the methodology has changed; therefore, a school's rank in 2010 is not directly comparable to its rank in 2011. These rankings of student achievement and on growth of student bodies are based on student achievement as shown by test results on the Michigan Educational Assessment Program (MEAP) for elementary/middle school students and the Michigan Merit Examination (MME) for high school students. Something new this year--the top to bottom rankings also include achievement gap data for all schools and graduation rates for high schoools.

Parental Abduction Part I | The Emotional and Social Cost

I've often heard people say, when told that the other parent ran off with the parties' child or children: "Oh well. At least the children are safe. How bad can it be if the child is with his mother (father)?" It's easy to generalize and think that just because it's a parent and not a stranger who took the child that the child is "safe."

For many years, I have been helping parents recover children abducted by the other parent. (In two cases, it was an aunt who took the child after the custodial parent had died and a grandmother who took the child after her son lost custody). I've come to realize that the fact that a parent is the abductor or "taking parent" [hereafter "TP"], does not mean that the child is unharmed.

Home Alone | Part VI | Assessing Readiness

One question frequently asked by parents is, "How old should a child be before he can be left home alone?" Often, I'm asked this question when holidays are coming up and parents will be at work, but children won't be in school. The question is asked even more frequently as summer vacation approaches. Of course, there is no simple one-size-fits-all answer. This decision is complicated because much depends upon the individual child and also family dynamics. A parent has to consider not only whether his or her particular child is "old enough," but is ready enough to be left home alone. The issue becomes more complicated if there are younger siblings. Is the oldest child ready to stay home alone and to be "in charge of" the younger children?

Zero to Three: Parenting Issues and Parenting Plans for Young Children

Richard Gould-Saltman, Esq. esteemed family lawyer from Los Angeles, CA will moderate and
Aaron Robb, M.Ed., NCC, LPC-S, Professional Counselor and Doctoral candidate at University of Texas at Arlington’s School of Social Work in Keller, TX will participate in an online CLE about devising appropriate parenting time plans for very young children. This CLE is sponsored by the American Bar Association Section of Family Law and the ABA Center for Continuing Legal Education.

Program description:     Infants and very young children pose challenges in the best of circumstances. Structuring parenting plans that meet children's needs for security and consistency in order to foster healthy long-term relationships with both parents provides a critical foundation for young children and parents who often struggle with what is 'good' for their babies.

PAS | Is This a Valid Psychiatric Diagnosis or Not?

Here we go again. I recall the stance taken in a joint conference of the American Bar Association Family Law Section and the American Psychological Association a couple of years ago. The well-stated argument was: There is no such thing as "parental alienation syndrome" (PAS).

Tell that to the American Psychiatric Association, highly interested obtaining inclusion of PAS in the new edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. The DSM IV is to psychiatrists and psychologists what Michigan Family Law, Hon. Marilyn J. Kelly, Judith A. Curtis, and Richard A. Roane eds, ICLE 6th ed 2004 is to family lawyers in Michigan--referred to by the short title of "the Family Law Bible." 

Movies about Divorce & Custody Issues

In addition to bibliotherapy that might help not only children grieving the loss of a marriage, but also one of both parties, there are many movies that take a look at dysfunctional families, issues arising in divorce, how to handle divorce and custody issues, and more particularly, how NOT to handle them. Here's a helpful list of some of those movies, with a brief summary. You might send this on to someone it may benefit.

One movie not on the list is "The Squid and the Whale." The movie is not for the faint of heart, but sure provides a good illustration to parents on how they ought to proceed in a divorce or custody matter to avoid completely screwing up their children. This is available through Netflix and video stores.

Books for Children about Divorce

Family lawyers recognize that separation and divorce is an experience during which losses must be grieved. Not only do husband and wife grieve their loss of what may have seemed like a fairytale romance when they were younger, but if children are involved, no matter what their age, they, too have losses to grieve. As a former elementary teacher and later as a volunteer for my children's schools running two annual book sales, I became very interested in bibliotherapy--using books to help children see that they are not alone. There are lots of kids in the same boat.

The Barr-Harris Children's Grief Center, In Chicago, Illinois, has compiled a lengthy bibliography for children of all ages that parents may access. The brief descriptions of the books should help parents decide which book might offer his or her child the comfort and/or information that the child needs.

The list of books reviewed by Benjamin Garber, MD And Members of the Staff of the Barr-Harris Children's Grief Center may be accessed here.

How to Tell Your Children You are Divorcing

One of the most difficult parts of divorce for parents is "what do we tell the children?" Bottom line: You have to tell the children. Surely, you don't think they don't know? Experience shows that children know, children pick up on tensions, overhear arguments. They worry. They wonder: Was it my fault? Can I fix it? What's going to happen to me?

Author Donna Ferber shares the following wisdom about how to tell your children that their parents are divorcing. This is an "everybody in the living room" discussion. These are Ferber's tips for telling the children about impending divorce:

1. If possible, both parents should be present.  This illustrates to the children that you will still be able to co-parent.

2.  Tell them close to the time that one of the parents is planning to move out.  Telling them months in advance does not “prepare them.”  It only makes them anxious and worried.

Acknowledgment of Parentage is not an "initial custody determination" | UCCJEA

I have fallen behind in writing digests of recent Michigan cases. One important case recently decided is Foster v Wolkowitz. The Michigan Supreme Court’s Opinion was published on July 1, 2010. The Court held that the presumptive award of custody arising from execution of an acknowledgment of parentage does not constitute an “initial custody determination” under the Uniform Child-Custody Jurisdiction and Enforcement Act (UCCJEA), MCL § 722.1101 et seq. As a result, it doesn't confer subject matter jurisdiction upon the state court where another state is the child's home state under the UCCJEA.

Under Michigan's Acknowledgment of Parentage Act, MCL § 722.1101 et seq., once two parents sign the Acknowledgment of Parentage [“AOP“]  the mother is presumptively awarded custody of the child, without prejudice to the father's rights to seek custody and parenting time. See the Acknowledgment of Parentage form here.  Download Acknowledgment_of_Parentage An AOP is a valid agreement into which parents may enter.  An AOP may be set aside only when a custody determination has been made by the judiciary.

Military Families | Deployment | Gates now supports law to protect child custody

Defense Secretary Robert Gates has reversed the Pentagon’s course and now supports legislation that would prevent service members from losing custody of their children solely because of deployment, reversing the department’s position on the issue.

The previous official Defense Department stance had opposed federal legislation. But in a Tuesday letter to Rep. Michael Turner, R-Ohio, Gates said he had been giving the matter “a lot of thought,” and now supports legislation that provides service members with a federal standard of protection in cases where it is established that military service is the sole factor involved in a child custody decision involving a service member.

Established Custodial Environment with Both Parents | A Factual Inquiry

In Landon v Sheldon, decided by the Court of Appeals on December 21, 2010, the trial court found that an established custodial environment existed solely with defendant mother. This seriously impacted the father's burden of proof and resulted in a custody award to the mother. This was a paternity case. Although the mother convinced the trial court that the ECE existed with her alone, the COA disagreed and reversed the trial court’s award of sole custody to Mom. This case is a good example of why lawyers should caution clients to testify with complete candor rather than trying to construe facts in their own favor. A half-truth is still only half true. It is also half false.

How divorced parents can help children survive the holidays

Many children of divorce feel caught in the middle of their parent’s battles during the holiday season. Holidays should be a time for kids to experience the love, joy and magic. Instead, many children are confused, frustrated, sad and angry.

The stress divorce causes children during the holidays: The holiday season may be more difficult than usual for children of divorced or separated families. The excess chaos may cause children to feel anxious. Children may feel caught in the middle if their parents fight about who spends what time where. They may feel resentful when they must leave friends and family to stay with a non-custodial parent.

Siblings Share Genes, But Rarely Personalities NPR Part 1

I subscribe to NPR to get the public radio email blasts about current news stories of significance. This one caught my eye today: "Breakthrough In Sibling Research" by Alex Spiegel.Something in the story caught my eye and is of major importance to parents who are divorced and divorcing. This is the impact on children that divore has. All of a sudden, these children, all born into the same environment, will not experience that same environment after the divorce, particularly if there are major age differences between them.

Spiegel says: