UPDATES IN MICHIGAN FAMILY LAW

Military Deployment or Divorce & Child Custody

I often represent service members who have family law issues. I'm sure no one will disagree, though, that SMs don't usually have the financial resources for expensive divorce litigation. If the issues are not complex (for example, do not involve child custody or parenting time, or do not involve a claim regarding any rights to retirement benefits because the marriage is very short and it's easier in the long run to offset a retirement claim against another asset), there are times when SMs can help themselves. It's not something I recommend that an SM do, however, without first taking a careful look at the issues and perhaps scheduling an appointment with an experienced family law attorney.

Fault-based Divorce London-style | Seriously: It's About the Tuna Casserole?

Recently Justice Matthew Thorpe, commented about accusations of fault that have come before him in divorce petitions to support allegations required as grounds for a divorce in England. Justice Thorpe said that there would have be no need for the painful allegations and investigations if the government had enacted past proposals to allow no-fault divorce. The current system, said the judge, "seem to represent the social values of a bygone age.”

Under current English law, there are only five grounds for divorce, including adultery and abandonment. Grounds for divorce alleged in about half of the cases now filed fall into a general allegation of "unreasonable behavior." In this category, one party has to accuse the other of acting so unreasonably that living together has become intolerable.

Going it Alone in "Couples Therapy?"

Now here's a novel thought: Husband and Wife decide to try to save their marriage. They find a marriage counselor. They attend a few sessions. One of them drops out, saying: "This isn't worth it." The other spouse continues marriage counseling in one-on-one sessions. Can this possibly work to help the couple save their marriage?" According to Ellen Bernstein, writing in the Wall Street Journal, yes--one-on-one marriage counseling can work.

Bernstein's expert had a short explanation for why this one-on-one marriage counseling can work:

More Resources for Parents in High-Conflict Divorce & Custody Matters

More resources for parents going through high-conflict divorce or post-divorce child custody may be found here.

Personality Traits of Parents And Developmental Needs of Children in High-Conflict Families, by Philip M. Stahl, Ph.D., may be read here http://www.parentingafterdivorce.com/articles/highconflict.html

And see "Help! I'm Divorcing a Narcissist," by Karyl McBride, Ph.D., in Pyschology Today, February 7, 2011

Parallel Parenting: When You and Your Ex Can’t Play Nice

Donna Ferber, Framingham, CT psychotherapist, is today's guest author. This article emphasizes how  mothers and fathers in high-conflict divorce situations can minimize some of that conflict for the sake of their children's well-being.

The continued post- divorce acrimony that plays out in the arena of parenting is the probably the most aggravating and stressful part of divorce for all involved. Parents struggle with a sense of wanting to make this transition easy for their children but when left over marital issues continue to play out in the co parenting arena, the adults often throw up their hands in frustration. The continued conflict is worrisome as it is the fighting, not marital status, that hurts the kids.

High-conflict Divorce & Co-Parenting Issues

High-conflict divorce exposes both parents and also their children to a lot of stress. Little ones who were already potty-trained may suffer lapses. Youngsters can be clingy, whiny and may go back to thumb-sucking or insist upon having a bottle for comfort. Kids who were previously OK sleeping alone may seek comfort in Mommy's bed or Daddy's bed at night. Kids in school can suffer a loss in performance. Anybody who has been through it or watched another go through it knows that conflict and stress can negatively affect everybody. What is a parent to do to help kids through this stress?

Sometimes parents feel like they will never be able to talk to the other parent again, and often a “no contact rule” seems like the only answer. But if parents aren't communicating about the kids--health issues, school issues, scheduling arrangements such as extra-curricular activities or doctor appointments--then no effective co-parenting is going to happen.

The Uncooperative Co-Parent

Today's guest author is Donna Ferber, an award-winning writer and psychotherapist from Farmington, CT.

When going through a divorce, keeping your children’s well-being in the forefront of your mind is critical. Whether the children ultimately have an experience that is traumatic or manageable is a direct result of how well their parents’ behave. Some parents even stay together “for the sake of their children” but their behavior is so appalling that the kids beg their parents to split up. Whether you stay together or not, your children learn from and emulate your behavior. You are role models for healthy relationships.

How Narcissists/Batterers Abuse Children During Divorce

A client sent me a link to this article about abuse of children during divorce proceedings by a narcissistic parent. Here's a preview:

The emotional abuse by a narcissist is pervasive and insidious. It impacts not only the narcissist’s spouse but his or her children as well. Once divorce proceedings begin, the narcissist’s abuse will likely escalate. Narcissists will use any means possible to gain control of the situation or to make themselves look better. Children become perfect pawns for narcissistic parents to use against their spouses. Identifying how narcissistic parents abuse their children is the first step to devising strategies to minimize abuse and help children cope.  Read more here on Parenting News Network.com

Emotional Abuse During Divorce: Coping With a Narcissist . . .

A client sent me a link today to an article that seems very appropos in many divorces where domestic abuse, including physical, emotional and economic abuse are occurring. Often, it's not until the divorce is in progress that an abused spouse will recognise or acknowledge the abuse. Some of the worst abuse come from a narcissist. See here the Mayo Clinic's description of the narcissistic personality disorder.

Often, a narcissist's emotional abuse towards a spouse escalates during divorce. The good news: abused spouses can minimize the impact of abuse by learning what games narcissists play--but only if they learn to recognize the symptoms and learn how to defend against and deflect the abuse.

Military Divorce: Returning Warriors and “The Home Front”

Today's guest author is Mark E. Sullivan, a retired Army Reserve JAG colonel. Mark practices family law in Raleigh, NC and is the author of THE MILITARY DIVORCE HANDBOOK (Am. Bar Assn., 2nd Ed. 2011), from which portions of this article are adapted. See his contact information below.

1. RETURN OF THE WARRIORS

Empty outposts overseas mean full billets and bedrooms back at home.  In view of the “new phase of relations” between the U.S. and Iraq, using Vice-President Joe Biden’s language, many  servicemembers (SMs) are returning home.  The redeployment of military personnel back to their stateside assignments and their homes is the result of significant drawdowns in Iraq and Afghanistan.  SMs who are returning from the Middle East are not only from the active-duty forces (Army, Navy, Air Force and Marines); they are also from the Reserve Component, namely, the National Guard and the Reserves.  Thus the homecoming impact will be felt nationwide, not just in communities near military bases.  While reuniting with one’s family will be a joyous experience for SMs, it may create significant stresses for some.  And these stresses may lead to legal consequences.

Movies about Divorce & Custody Issues

In addition to bibliotherapy that might help not only children grieving the loss of a marriage, but also one of both parties, there are many movies that take a look at dysfunctional families, issues arising in divorce, how to handle divorce and custody issues, and more particularly, how NOT to handle them. Here's a helpful list of some of those movies, with a brief summary. You might send this on to someone it may benefit.

One movie not on the list is "The Squid and the Whale." The movie is not for the faint of heart, but sure provides a good illustration to parents on how they ought to proceed in a divorce or custody matter to avoid completely screwing up their children. This is available through Netflix and video stores.

Books for Children about Divorce

Family lawyers recognize that separation and divorce is an experience during which losses must be grieved. Not only do husband and wife grieve their loss of what may have seemed like a fairytale romance when they were younger, but if children are involved, no matter what their age, they, too have losses to grieve. As a former elementary teacher and later as a volunteer for my children's schools running two annual book sales, I became very interested in bibliotherapy--using books to help children see that they are not alone. There are lots of kids in the same boat.

The Barr-Harris Children's Grief Center, In Chicago, Illinois, has compiled a lengthy bibliography for children of all ages that parents may access. The brief descriptions of the books should help parents decide which book might offer his or her child the comfort and/or information that the child needs.

The list of books reviewed by Benjamin Garber, MD And Members of the Staff of the Barr-Harris Children's Grief Center may be accessed here.

Divorce after 50 | Rights to Social Security, Insurance Coverage, etc.

Phoenix, Arizona, divorce attorney Scott D Stewart, who writes an Arizona Divorce Attorney Blog,  recently published an article on the issues faced by older couples, usually where one or both of the spouses are over 50.  He notes that Al and Tipper Gore's divorce has caused many Baby Boomers to examine their own marriages and has many of them wondering how this could happen. But it does happen, and for many different reasons. I, too, am seeing an increase in the number of my cases involving Baby Boomers.

Social Security benefits cannot be divided in a divorce, but rules about them can affect post-divorce income and standard of living. For example, if a wife is over age 62, and the couple’s marriage lasted for over 10 years, she can collect benefits after the divorce on her former husband’s earnings record without a reduction in benefits to the husband.

If the former husband dies, the wife may be entitled to survivor benefits - 100 percent of the former husband’s Social Security benefit. To qualify, the marriage must have lasted 10 years, the surviving spouse must be at least 60, and that spouse cannot already be entitled to benefits that are equal to or greater than those of the former spouse.

How to Tell Your Children You are Divorcing

One of the most difficult parts of divorce for parents is "what do we tell the children?" Bottom line: You have to tell the children. Surely, you don't think they don't know? Experience shows that children know, children pick up on tensions, overhear arguments. They worry. They wonder: Was it my fault? Can I fix it? What's going to happen to me?

Author Donna Ferber shares the following wisdom about how to tell your children that their parents are divorcing. This is an "everybody in the living room" discussion. These are Ferber's tips for telling the children about impending divorce:

1. If possible, both parents should be present.  This illustrates to the children that you will still be able to co-parent.

2.  Tell them close to the time that one of the parents is planning to move out.  Telling them months in advance does not “prepare them.”  It only makes them anxious and worried.