Many children of divorce feel caught in the middle of
their parent’s battles during the holiday season. Holidays should be a time for
kids to experience the love, joy and magic. Instead, many children are
confused, frustrated, sad and angry.
The stress divorce causes children during the holidays
The holiday season may be more difficult than usual
for children of divorced or separated families.
- The excess chaos may cause
children to feel anxious.
- Children may feel caught in
the middle if their parents fight about who spends what time where.
- They may feel resentful when they must leave friends and family to stay with a non-custodial parent.
- Being shuttled back and forth
between houses may cause children to feel overwhelmed and exhausted.
- Children may wish they could
"split themselves in half" so they can satisfy each parent.
- Memories of holidays when the
family was still together may make children sad.
- While spending time with one
parent, a child may miss the other.
- Children may feel guilty at
leaving the other parent alone on a holiday.
How divorced parents can help children survive the holidays
There are many things that both parents can do to make
the holidays more enjoyable for their children and themselves.
- Have a set schedule,
preferably one that is negotiated by the parents and put in the parenting time
order or, if the parents cannot agree, one that is set by family court.
Usually, parents should alternate holidays each year. That way, the child is
not burdened by having to decide where he would like to spend his time and also
minimize arguing between parents.
- If both parents live close to
each other, there’s no reason why the child cannot enjoy the holiday with each
parent. A good way to do that is to have the exchange at noon on Christmas Day.
The child has “wake up and see what Santa brought” with one parent, and has a
later Christmas with the other. In even-numbered years Mom might have the child
from Christmas Eve through the morning of Christmas Day, with Dad picking the
child up at noon. In odd-numbered years, that schedule would reverse.
- Parents should tell the child
what the schedule is in advance so that he knows what to expect.
- Children whose parents are divorcing feel a lack of
control. They feel as though they have no voice in whether or not their family
stays together. Giving your child some control over how he spends his holiday
time with you lessens the stress of feeling out of control. This can be
especially important for older children. The time scheduled for the child with
the non-custodial parent might be a time when they would rather be hanging out
with friends. Parents should consider giving their child the option of bringing
a friend along. In the alternative, parents might plan activities with friends
during their holiday parenting time.
- Parents should focus on
keeping the time together simple to avoid overwhelming the child.
- Allowing your child to have an active role in planning
any holiday activities will alleviate some of those out of control feelings
your child may have.
- Parents should be open to the
child’s sadness or frustration and allow the child to vent. Let your child know
that he is safe expressing his feelings, especially any sad or negative
feelings. Let you child know that you understand and that his feelings are
normal. It’s important to remain emotionally available and willingness to
listen. Acknowledge and validate your child’s feelings to relieve a great
amount of the sadness your child may be feeling.
- Encourage the child to embrace
his expanded and/or extended family and the fact that he gets to celebrate the
holidays twice.
- Neither parent should
over-indulge the child with too many presents or candy; this is not healthy for
anyone.
- Parents should not compete
with each other over who gets the child a "better gift." If parents
are able to communicate, they should plan gift-giving together to ensure
even-handedness.
- Even though holidays are
stressful, parents should put aside their differences and should not argue with
each other in front of the child.
- Parents can share holiday
traditions and lore to teach the child what the holiday is truly about. This
will help the child to appreciate the experience. This may involve making new
holiday traditions.
- Parents might plan fun outings
during the holiday season. Some families center their traditions around
gift-opening on Christmas Eve rather than Christmas Day. That makes sharing the
holidays even easier.
- Parents should consider making
new traditions such as caroling, ice skating, or catching a new movie in
between the holidays to minimize the importance of a single big celebration.
- Parents should acknowledge
that most children want and need contact with both of their parents. This is
especially true during the holidays.
- Parents should allow the child
to have phone or email contact with the other parent, especially on the holiday
itself.
- Parents should focus on loving
and celebrating the child during these special times.
Whatever parents do during the holidays, they should
keep foremost in their minds that holidays are meant to be magical for
children. They should be attuned to their child’s emotions during this
sensitive time. The holidays are a good time for parents embroiled in
separation disagreements to find a common ground, to put aside their
differences, and allow their child to enjoy the magic of the season. Showing your
child compassion for the sadness he is experiencing and teaching him coping
strategies will not only help him through this first, post divorce holiday
season but also long after the holidays pass.
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